Ghost of You
by Kelly Quit Lollygagging
Summary: The loss of a loved one is perhaps the most challenging ideal to accept. When you refuse to let them go, it only makes matters worse. AH O/S of love, loss and finding your way back.


**The Ghost Of You**  
\- - - - -

It's hard to put into words the pain of losing someone you love. It's hard to put into words any type of pain you feel at all, never mind that all-encompassing, numbing feeling that wraps around your body and squeezes the breath from your lungs when you're reason for life - the other half of your heart - suddenly isn't there anymore.

It had been an unseasonably cold and rainy day. I was sure we'd gotten the average annual rainfall all in that one day. It was the type of day that you vegged out on the couch, wrapped up in blankets, eating any junk food you could get your hands on, using the people around you for comfort and warmth.

I'd always loved the rain, always found it calming. Jacob had said that we could move to someplace rainier if I preferred, that nothing more mattered than the fact that I was happy. But I'd never taken him up on the offer because Phoenix was my home, whether it rained enough or not.

I was awake the moment I heard the thunder, but it didn't startle me awake. It was comfort in a way that I was never able to explain to myself. Caleb, however, did not feel the same way. He crept as quietly as any three-year-old could into the darkness of our bedroom, his thumb in his mouth, his blanket gripped tightly in his fist. His dark eyes, wide with fear, swept the room, stopped when he spotted me, and he quickly came to my side.

"Momma?" he wondered in a tiny voice, and my heart melted. I helped him into our big bed, and he crawled over me carefully, cautious of my bulging stomach. He burrowed under the thick blankets, his toes digging under my hip for warmth.

I flicked Jacob on the back of the head as he snored quietly through all of this. He snorted awake, and Caleb giggled at the sound. I smiled and kissed his forehead as Jacob turned my way. He offered me a half-awake smile before dropping his head to the pillow once again. He flung his arm out across Caleb's stomach to rest a hand on mine.

"Daddy," Caleb giggled, trying to push Jacob's arm away. Jacob only offered a smile and pulled Caleb into his chest without opening his eyes. Caleb tucked himself into Jacob's chest, breathing deeply and falling asleep nearly instantly.

I watched them silently with a smile on my face. Jacob stroked Caleb's hair softly, luring him deeper into sleep, humming under his breath to overshadow the noise of the rain drumming on the roof of the house. Jacob reached his other hand out to me, across the pillows, and I placed my hand in his, twining our fingers together, as his comfort drew me back into sleep.

We'd slept in much too late, but it didn't matter because we had nowhere to be. We spent the remainder of the morning sprawled out on the couch alternating between watching Saturday morning cartoons and the rain falling outside. Jacob made waffles for breakfast, and was I was proud of him, even if they were a little over cooked.

We made love when Caleb napped, and Jacob talked to my tummy with Caleb when he woke up. We laughed and we teased, and we played, bust most importantly, we loved. _God,_ did we love. There was no force that could come between us.

Thinking back to that morning always was a bittersweet feeling. There was no joy greater than knowing we loved with everything we had. But if I hadn't asked him to go to the store - for what, I couldn't even recall now - he would still be here with us. He would've seen the birth of his second son, would've been there for the anniversary of my grandfather's death, would've laughed with me when Caleb asked where babies came from.

There were so many times I wanted to hate him for leaving us, as if it were his choice, but I couldn't do that because I would have to hate myself as well.

"You're doing it again," my mother murmured from her perch on the couch. She cooed quietly to my six month old son as Caleb colored contentedly at her feet. She'd taken it upon herself to take care of my kids after the accident, because it was apparent that I couldn't function properly.

"Doing what?" I wondered defensively. My voice had become a monotone. There was no emotion there, ever. There were no smiles, either. No laughter, no happiness at all. Jacob had been my personal sunshine, and when he left, my life became a permanent night.

"Blaming yourself. Renesmee, there was no way you could have prevented the accident from happening, and there is nothing we can do to bring him back. I hate to see you in pain, baby, but you need to think of Caleb and Tristan now. They need you."

"Don't you think I know that? Do you understand how hard this is for me? This is my fault. If I hadn't asked him to go to the store he would be here with me right now. He would've been there when Tristan was born, he would've seen Caleb on his first day of pre-school. He has missed out on so much and it's my fault."

My raised voice had woken Tristan from his quiet slumber and he let out tiny whimpers for attention. Mom quickly soothed him, whispering sweetly to him. I had to look away because it should have been me comforting him. The only time I held him was when he needed fed. And it was a struggle, because all I could see were Jacob's piercing green eyes.

"Renesmee…" she began in an admonishing tone, but quickly trailed off, perhaps too tired of having this fight with me.

"It's time to go now," I whispered, standing automatically.

Caleb's tiny hand slipped into mine, clutching his blankie in the other. His dark blue's pierced me with a sadness too heavy for a four year old. We piled quietly into the car and drove the twenty minutes in silence. The air was thick with tension. Because today, I was really going to kill my husband.

~x~

" _I love you. More than there are stars in the sky, more than there is air in this world. I love you with every fiber of my being, with every piece of my soul. And if ever there were a time I believed in God, it's here, with you. Marry me, Renesmee. Make me the happiest man on earth."_

" _Jacob, do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?"_

" _God yes, I do."_

" _It's perfect isn't it? We could paint the shutters that dark blue you love so much. And look at the backyard! I could build a swing set for the kids. We could even get a dog – okay, maybe not a dog. But it's perfect, don't you think?"_

" _He's almost here, baby, hang on just a little while longer. You can do this. Push, Ness, push! Atta girl. Oh, look at him. Honey, we made him, do you see that? See how perfect he is? We made that."_

~x~

The hospital loomed large and dark in front of me. The halls were filled with chatter, mindless prattle from nurses and doctors and other visiting families. But I could pay them no mind, because Jacob was here. His body lay prone, vacant, in the bed. He held no life, no vitality of the man I once knew.

We came to a stop outside of his room, and I froze. "I can't do this."

Mom took my arm, setting the car seat which held Tristan on the floor. She turned me to face her, and it was the first time I noticed how aged she looked. Had I done that? She was still beautiful, of course, wavy brown hair and dark brown eys. But she looked tired. So, so tired.

"Renesmee. How many times are we going to go through this? Jacob is gone. He is not coming back. There is too much damage done. You need to let him go now, sweetheart. Let him rest. He is not going to wake up."

Tears blurred my vision, but I nodded. She was right. What was the difference if he laid here or in the ground? Either way, he wasn't going to wake up. I knew I was being selfish. But I still held on to some childish hope that miracles can come true.

I took the seat next to his bed while Caleb had no qualms with sitting on the bed, snuggling up to his dad. I took Jacob's hands in mine while the nurse explained the procedure. He may go immediately, it may take him a few minutes. But he would go.

She held out the forms for me to sign, and I did so, with shaking fingers. She gave me a sad smile as she began unplugging machines. When all that was left was the ventilator, I stopped her.

"I just need a moment. Please."

She nodded and left the room. Mom took the kids out as well, giving me a soft squeeze on the shoulder. And then I curled up next to my husband for the last time.

"Do you know how much I love you? Do you know that I would give anything to have you here with me again? Sometimes I can feel you around me. The ghost of your touches linger with me. And I hate you for that. Hate you for making me love you so much. I would trade places with you in a heartbeat. I would give my last breath to reanimate you. I'm sorry, Jacob, so sorry."

I could feel the steady rise and fall of his chest beneath me. Could feel the weak pump of his heart as it worked to move the blood through his lifeless body. I traced each purple eyelid and kissed each sallow cheek before I removed myself from him.

"Caleb," my breath hitched in my throat. Caleb peeked around the corner. "Come here, baby, come say goodbye."

Caleb's dark browns held mine as he crossed the room. He climbed up on the bed once more, laying his head on Jacob's chest. "I love you, daddy."

The nurse was there before I could call for her. Or perhaps she hadn't been far in the first place. She unplugged the ventilator and watched as, one by one, the lines on the monitor all went flat.

"Time of death," she whispered softly, writing the time down on Jacob's chart. She pulled the sheet up, over his head and told us to take all the time we needed. We left immediately.

~x~

The funeral arrangements had been made for quite some time – just waiting on me to be ready. And as far as funerals went, his was really quite lovely, yet simple. He was buried in the only suit he owned, because he hated suits. I slipped the wedding band from his finger and buried it in my hands. He looked peaceful, rested. Looked as though he would jump out at any moment and yell, 'surprise!'

But he didn't. And so we said a prayer, and they lowered him into the ground. And we all threw flowers on top of him; simple white roses because he was too pure a soul for this world. And my dad hugged me maybe just a little too hard when it was all over, but that was okay. And I held Caleb while he whimpered, because he didn't understand.

It rained that day. The type of rain that I loved. With thunder that shook the glass and lightning that lit up the whole sky. The parade of black left slowly, hugging me and offering condolences, until all that was left were my parents, his parents and my children. We stood there, under the shroud of umbrellas for what felt like forever. I stared at the beautiful black stone that was all that was left of Jacob.

 _JACOB EPHRAIM BLACK  
BELOVED SON, FATHER AND HUSBAND  
MAY HE REST IN PEACE_

"He loved you, you know," his father piped up. A quiet man, much the opposite of Jacob. But his son had become the spitting image of him. "He loved you more than I think anyone ever loved another human being. You brought him to life, my dear. And I thank you for that. And I thank you for the grandchildren we have so that we may remember him in the best of ways."

His thin arms encompassed me, and I knew right away where Jacob had learned to give such sweet hugs. He kissed me tenderly on the cheek and then again did his wife before they took hands and left.

Dad tucked me away into his side. "I'm proud of you, Renesmee. I know how hard this was for you."

"He's at peace now," I nodded, holding on hope to the only thought that brought me comfort now. My Jacob wasn't in pain anymore. He wasn't hurting.

Tristan stirred in my mother's arms, and I reached out for him. "May I, please?"

She quietly handed him to me and I cradled him ever so gently in my arms as he quieted. "My sweet boy. You look such like your father. Those beautiful green eyes of yours are going to be the death of me."

A gentle breeze stirred the flowers at our feet, so that they bowed to us. A chill ran up my spine, and Tristan smiled. And I knew in that moment that Jacob would be with us always in spirit.

"I love you," I whispered to the dying breeze, and as if in response to me, a crack of thunder shook the ground.

And I smiled.


End file.
